My Hardest AA Habit: Learning to Pause When Agitated

I wish I could tell you that “pausing when agitated” came naturally to me, but the truth is it’s one of the hardest habits I’ve ever tried to build. My default has always been to react quickly. If someone cut me off in traffic, I let them know it. If a coworker said something I didn’t like, I fired back. If my family pushed my buttons, I snapped without hesitation. For years I thought reacting fast meant I was strong and not a pushover. But in reality, it usually meant I was wrong.

When I got to AA and started working Step 10, I heard a line in the Big Book that struck me: “As we go through the day we pause, we agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action.” (p.87). That sounded good in theory, but in practice it felt impossible. Pausing in the heat of the moment? That wasn’t me. My instinct was to defend, argue, or prove my point. Pausing felt like weakness. But over time, I learned that pausing is actually one of the strongest things I can do.

I’ll never forget one of my early failures at this. I was at work, and a customer was attempting to tell me how to do my job. Without even thinking, I got really defensive. My voice got louder, and before long, I had turned a small comment into a full-blown argument. Walking away afterward, I felt miserable. My pride was intact, but my peace was gone. I replayed it over and over in my head, wishing I had just taken a breath. That was Step 10 in action—or rather, not in action.

But then came a day when it worked. I was in line at the grocery store and someone cut ahead of me. Normally I would’ve muttered something sharp, or at least rolled my eyes loud enough for them to notice. But in that split second, I remembered: pause. I took a breath and silently said the Serenity Prayer. And just like that, the urge to react faded. Was it a big deal if someone got in front of me? No. I let it go. The person probably didn’t even realize what they had done, but I walked out of the store lighter, not carrying the burden of unnecessary anger.

That’s the power of the pause. When I actually practice it, I don’t have to clean up wreckage later. I don’t have to apologize for words spoken in anger or actions taken on impulse. The pause gives me a chance to invite God into the moment, instead of running on self-will. And often, I realize the issue wasn’t as big as it felt in the heat of things.

Still, pausing is hard. My ego doesn’t like it. It feels unnatural to stop when I’m agitated. But I’ve come to see that the pause is a spiritual practice. It gives God space to guide me, and it keeps me from making a mess I’ll regret. Today, I practice by using simple tools: taking a deep breath, saying a quick prayer, or even stepping outside or away from the situation if I need to. Sometimes I fail and react anyway, but I can usually see it quickly and make it right. Progress, not perfection.

Pausing when agitated may be my hardest habit, but it’s also my most helpful. It’s Step 10 in real life, the tool that keeps me from adding to yesterday’s wreckage and allows me to live closer to God’s will today. I still forget sometimes, but every time I do pause, I see the difference. It’s worth practicing, one moment at a time.

There’s lots of AA meetings available to attend in-person or virtually. If you’re struggling with drinking, seek out the help you need, you can’t do it on your own. I know I couldn’t do it on my own and still can’t.

Find a sponsor that will take you through the steps as outlined in the book. You’ll see more of the truth about who you are and eventually it’ll change your life.

Change Your Truth, Change Your Life.

Haler Smith