Life Isn't Coming At Me, It's Coming From Me

Do you ever have the feeling that life keeps throwing things at you? Like new challenges keep coming up at work. Once you tackle that challenge, another just comes right up behind it? Or, that irritating customer keeps coming in and talking to you. Maybe you say to yourself “They are so irritating, I just wish they would take their issues to someone else”? Or maybe you wish they would just stop coming in, maybe that would keep you happy? How about this one. Ever been driving down the road and then someone cuts you off? Then 2 minutes later someone else cuts you off? Then 4 minutes later you seem to be hitting every light you come to? Those driving hits keep coming at me, and that scenario usually gets me good and mad. Until I realize what’s going on.

It's me, not them! That’s always the case. Life is going to happen exactly the way it’s going to happen and I have no control over that. I am self-centered by nature, and I always default to “it’s your fault!” or “Why does this always happen to me?” or “Why is everyone out to get me?” or “Life keeps dumping stuff on me”. I can twist any situation around and only see how it affects me.

The people at work just keep throwing crappy work my way, or they keep piling work on me when I don’t have the capacity to complete it. I used to feel that “today” was the day all the difficult, needy, customers would walk in all at the same time and ask for me. My default thinking on the road is that people are cutting me off on purpose, they should know I’m in a rush and they aren’t realizing it. If I’m missing all the lights, it’s because of all the slow people in front of me, they aren’t accelerating fast enough between the lights for us all to get through.

Pile all of that up on me and I’m running around grumpy and usually swearing. In all of those examples, I’m only thinking of how this is affecting me. In all of those examples, I am no more in control of my surroundings than I am at controlling what direction the clouds move. I am definitely off the spiritual path and back to being the actor and the Director, trying to run the whole show.

This is where working Step 10 comes in handy. Step 10 tells us that we need to “watch” for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear in our daily lives, and then they crop up, we do certain things. Step 10 tells us that we ask our Higher Power to remove whatever feeling pops up, we discuss the situation with someone immediately, make amends if necessary, and then we turn to someone we can help.

First, I have to realize what’s going on. Sometimes it takes me a good while to realize that I’m back to running the whole show in life. There are just times that I like to sit in my anger or resentment and other times (when I’m more spiritually fit) where I can notice that I’m off the beam quickly. Getting disturbed by those around me is always the result when I take back my will. Once I realize that I’ve taken the reigns back, I need to stop and ask my Higher Power to take away these feelings and thoughts.

If I’m back to running my life, I have to give it back to my Higher Power.  I’m angry. I’m running the show and it’s not coming off well, no wonder I’m angry. I definitely don’t have my Higher Power at the forefront of my thoughts. And certainly not how I can be of maximum usefulness to Him and my fellows. I need to pray for my Higher Power to take back the reigns. To take away the selfishness, dishonesty resentment, or fear.

After I ask my Higher Power to relieve my anger, I need to tell on myself with someone else. That part about admitting my faults to God and other human being in the 5^th Step, same thing here. If I’m working Step 10 and watching where my character defects show up today, I have to take that daily inventory when things pop up. That someone should be another person on this spiritual path. That way you’ll get a good dose of the truth and not someone telling you that you were right to be angry. There’s nothing more ego stroking than someone co-signing my self-centered anger, and nothing more dangerous for us. It’s taken a long time to get to a place where what I really want is for someone to be honest with me about how I’m acting. When I’m running the show I need to realize it, I pray on it, share it, and then focus on helping someone.

After discussing the disturbance with someone, you need to make amends if you’ve harmed someone. I try my best to practice restraint of pen and tongue. That usually works during the actual event to keep the possibility of needing to make amends low. But, if I did keep my mouth shut during a face-to-face situation (at work or in my home, yelling at someone from inside the car isn’t direct), but I started gossiping or otherwise talking bad about that person, I may have to make amends to them, depending on the situation. I really need to be careful about the gossiping part. That’s basically me spreading my self-righteousness around, and that can be damaging to them and certainly not helpful to anyone.

The last thing I do about my character defect flare-up is turn my attention to someone that I can help. Service. One of the best ways to get out of my own head and thoughts. The big book even tells us that work with another alcoholic is one of the best ways to make sure we don’t pick up the drink again. Call that newcomer who’s number you got during the last meeting. Call anyone in your network and ask how they are doing. You can also call your parents, sibling(s) or kids and see what’s going on in their lives. Make an effort to hold the door open for several people at the next place you stop. Go to a meeting that day and share what happened, especially your solution to you realizing that you were running the show again. Do anything for someone else. The point is to get your focus off of you and your failed plans and designs and back to being of maximum usefulness to your Higher Power and those around you.

Anytime I’m disturbed I can always track it back to me grabbing back perceived control of life. Today, that disturbance still happens. Through practice of the 10^th Step though, I live in that disturbance for shorter periods of time. If you keep Step 10 as a focus in your life you will find that it can happen for you too. I didn’t get sober to be angry all the time. Step 10 really helps if you practice it.

There’s lots of AA meetings available to attend in-person or virtually. If you’re struggling with drinking, seek out the help you need, you can’t do it on your own. I know I couldn’t do it on my own and still can’t.

Find a sponsor that will take you through the steps as outlined in the book. You’ll see more of the truth about who you are and eventually it’ll change your life.

Change Your Truth, Change Your Life.

Haler Smith