Stop Expecting Me From Other People

Why do I keep getting frustrated and even angry with other people and how they act? Is it because I am expecting me from other people?

I don’t think I am alone in saying I think I am a perfectionist. When I’m out in life, I am guilty of judging others for not being perfect (like I think I am), especially when I think what they are doing is “dumb” or “wrong”. They might think what they are doing is just fine and they are blissfully unaware of how their actions are affecting me.

Driving is one area where I need to work on my expectations of others.  I think I am a perfect driver and the best driver out there.  I doubt I’m the only one with that thought.  I know when you have enough time to get through the intersection, how long it should take you to start moving after the light turns green, I always use my blinker before changing lanes or turning, and I know exactly how to zipper when merging lanes and how to use a Round About.  And if you believe that I do all of that every time I get behind the wheel, trust me, I do not. But I am the first one to get irritated with people who don’t drive the way I think I drive (which is perfectly).  I am expecting other drivers to drive the way I think that I drive and when they don’t I get mad.  I’m creating a resentment from my expectations.

Another area where this pops up is in the self-checkout at the grocery store.  I am a very process-oriented person and there are clear steps to scanning and bagging that maximizes efficiency.  When the people in front of me are not doing the proper checkout scanning and bagging I get irritated. They clearly don’t know what they are doing and I do it much better. The longer they take, the madder I get and I will start to verbalize what’s going on in my head to my wife (if she has chosen to go to the grocery store knowing how irritated I can get).  Or I’ll start shifting my weight side to side and might get fidgety. If I’m not careful, the people around me will catch on to my irritation and they will start looking at me like I’m the problem. As they should, because they are right, I’m the problem, not the slow person in front of me.

If I’m not watching out for the changes in my thinking I will start to act out.  In the car, I might start yelling out loud about how dumb that driver is in front of me that didn’t use their blinker to turn.  I may give them the finger, who knows.  In the checkout line, I might say something to the person taking their sweet time to checkout. Thankfully, I haven’t given anyone the finger in a very long time or said something directly to anyone in a checkout line. If I don’t stay vigilant in Step 10 where I watch for selfishness, resentment, anger and fear popping up in my life, I will might start bringing that finger back. 

If I am living in the 10^th Step, and am awake enough to see that I am disturbed, I have the chance to pause when agitated. If I can do that, I can keep my budding resentment between my ears and not act on my thoughts. Restraint of pen and tongue is important for me. The book talks a lot about watching how I show up in life, and when I think life isn’t going as I see it should be going, I need to pause before I act out.  Then I need to turn to my Higher Power for help.  I need to ask my Highter Power to take these thoughts from me.  And I keep asking until the relief comes. 

I’ve also found it to be helpful to reach out to another alcoholic and tell on myself. I get calls from guys in my network about their expectations getting the best of them and I call them when they get the best of me.  Accountability in the working the program starts with the truth about what’s going on my life and getting someone else’s take on what I’m experiencing is important to seeing the truth.

If I fail to keep Step 10 as an active part of my daily life, I won’t be able to see the shift in my attitude.  If I don’t see the shift, I will be at risk of acting out during the event that disturbs me. And it won’t stop there. I will take that anger about “this situation” with me through the rest of my day. I’ll already be angry when I get back to work, or get back home. 

How many times have you been angry out in the world, and still been angry when you get back to work and snap at a co-worker?  Or gone back home and snapped at your significant other? My co-workers and family will get the residual effects of my anger and it had nothing to do with them.  Then I get to make amends for acting like a child, at 26 years sober. That’s never fun.

We are not perfect. No one out there is perfect.  Live and Let Live is hard to practice. Step 10’s principle of watching keeps me checking in with myself so I can be aware of a shift in attitude.  It gives me the opportunity to pause when agitated and a chance to ask my Highter Power for help.

There’s lots of AA meetings available to attend in-person or virtually. If you’re struggling with drinking, seek out the help you need, you can’t do it on your own.  I know I couldn’t do it on my own, and still can’t.

Find a sponsor that will take you through the steps as outlined in the book. You’ll see more of the truth about who you are and eventually it’ll change your life. 

Change Your Truth, Change Your Life.

Haler Smith