Am I Seeking Happiness or Am I Really Seeking Peace? How Step Ten Helps Me Find Peace

For most of my life, I thought I was chasing happiness. That’s what everyone around me seemed to be chasing too — the right relationship, job, house, or weekend plans. Whenever I had a few good days, I thought I had finally found it. But then the feeling faded. The sense of ease I felt always seemed to slip away. I used to think if I just worked harder or fixed the next thing in my life, that feeling would come back and stay this time. It never did.

When I was drinking, that feeling of “happy” was even shorter-lived. A couple of drinks and everything felt okay for a while. The noise in my head stopped, the fear quieted down, and I could finally feel like I belonged somewhere. But just like everything else I used to chase, that peace dissolved as soon as the alcohol wore off. I mistook relief for peace, and that confusion followed me into sobriety too.

Early in sobriety, I thought the goal was to be happy all the time. People in meetings looked happy, and I wanted that. When I got my first job back, I thought, Okay, now I’ll be happy. When my relationships started to mend, I thought, This is it. But even then, I’d catch myself restless, irritable, and discontent again. I was sober, my life looked better from the outside, but inside I still felt unsettled. I couldn’t understand why.

At some point, I began to see that happiness and peace weren’t the same thing. Happiness depended on how things were going — if people liked me, if I was succeeding, if everything lined up the way I wanted. Peace, on the other hand, didn’t depend on any of that. Peace came when I stopped needing life to match my expectations. Peace came when I accepted things as they were and turned my attention back to my Higher Power.

The Tenth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous says, “Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.” When I first read that, I thought it meant just cleaning up after a bad day. But over time, I’ve learned it’s much deeper. It’s not about perfection — it’s about maintaining a clear connection with God throughout the day. When I stay aware of my motives, admit when I’m wrong, and make things right quickly, I don’t let guilt, resentment, or fear pile up. That’s where peace begins to return.

There’s a line in the Big Book around pages 84–85 that says we have entered the “world of the Spirit” and that as we continue to grow, we are given a “daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” That maintenance happens through Step Ten. Without it, the noise creeps back in.

I can think of plenty of days where Step Ten saved my serenity. One small example: not long ago, someone at work made a comment that hit my pride just right. My first instinct was to fire back and prove them wrong. Instead, I felt that disturbance — that quick inner shift that tells me I’m off-center. I paused. I silently asked God to remove my anger and help me see my part. Within minutes, I saw what was really going on: I was afraid of looking foolish. I was defending an image, not truth. When I owned that, the resentment lifted. The peace that came after was quiet, steady, and unmistakable.

That’s how Step Ten in AA works in real life. It’s not a big event. It’s a small surrender, over and over. It’s the pause that lets me hand the situation back to God before my ego takes control. It’s learning that I can’t be peaceful and self-centered at the same time.

Finding peace in sobriety isn’t about escaping discomfort; it’s about facing it with honesty and faith. When I’m disturbed, I’ve learned to look inward — not outward. I ask, “What’s really being threatened here? My self-esteem? My pride? My comfort?” That inventory brings me back to the truth: peace doesn’t come from people treating me right or life going smoothly. It comes from staying spiritually fit enough to see life as it is, not how I wish it would be.

Happiness vs peace — that’s the real divide. Happiness is a feeling that comes and goes; peace is a state that can remain even when the feelings are all over the place. Happiness can be loud, bright, and fleeting. Peace is quiet, simple, and lasting. Step Ten gives me the spiritual tools to live in peace — not because my life is perfect, but because I’m learning to clean up my side of the street as I go.

When I miss a Tenth Step, I feel it. My thoughts race faster. My patience wears thinner. My prayers feel more like demands than conversations. I start to believe that happiness will fix it again. But it never does. Every time, the same truth waits for me: peace is not something I can earn or buy. It’s something that’s restored when I let go of control and come back to humility.

Step Ten helps me see when I’m disturbed, and it gives me a path to make things right. It teaches me to pause, to pray, to admit my faults quickly, and to live one day at a time. That’s where peace grows — not from getting what I want, but from staying close to the Power that saved me.

I used to think the goal was to feel good. Now I know the goal is to stay right-sized, to stay connected, and to stay useful. That’s where peace lives. It’s not out there somewhere waiting for me — it’s right here, when I’m honest, humble, and willing to clean up as I go.

There’s lots of AA meetings available to attend in-person or virtually. If you’re struggling with drinking, seek out the help you need, you can’t do it on your own. I know I couldn’t do it on my own and still can’t.

Find a sponsor that will take you through the steps as outlined in the book. You’ll see more of the truth about who you are and eventually it’ll change your life.

Change Your Truth, Change Your Life.

Haler Smith